Sorry for being annoying.
I wonder what I did wrong.
Friday, December 2, 2016
Problem
They just talked at me in a tacky, mean way again, that it's okay I'm not with the person I want but the other person following me around is with them supposedly but instead of me when I kinda have something going other than being punished like this. What are you gonna say, that others are free to do this? What if this person doesn't want to do this.
They threatened me again.
They threatened me again.
Why are you acting like I did something to deserve..
..since the problems with Ellen DeGeneres the scenario like my family and extended family in the background are the focus of my life in some constant, tacky, problematic way?
Problem
My dad kept cycling insulting affirmations to me over and over. I have a problem with my eyes. I didn't do anything, and now I feel guilty, nothing going my way, tho I know I didn't do anything wrong. People keep taking things so weirdly, like if something bad is mentioned around something else you'rein big trouble, even if you just mentioned it. I could talk like this without people monitoring me and feel fine.
Problem
They are acting like I am in big trouble concerning someone I look up to. I just thought of a bad word by accident applying to people bothering me. My dad keeps trying to stimulate me driving and I dislike it. They keep pretending I have a bad attitude when strange things come up. My dad wants me to feel him in my windbreaker. He is thinking he should replace someone I look up to, too. They keep bothering me. When I am driven it is annoying and stimulating. My eyes are bothered, too. A weird thought existed and my dad is analyzing it. I was attacked in my mind. He messed up my eyes. He keeps being possessive of me. He won't stop trying to affect me. He got me in a rut acting horny that his hands have something in common and now is trying to make it feel the same. He keeps wanting to think I did something bad. I keep getting bothered for no good reason. They keep acting so harsh because of thinking of a bad word. My dad is trying to stimulate me and it's so annoying. He's not supposed to sexually stimulate me. My dad was acting all sprouty again like he is replacing someone I look up to satisfied. Bye is trying to make my eyes not feel how I want but like he know my eye doctor and now my private. He is driving aong with my bust turned on. He thinks I did something to lose a relationship. He is trying to stimulate it like I did something. It is constant negativity from him. They make their own rules. He won't stop. Now my hands turned on for a little. He said someone I look up to wants me away in school. This is so annoying. I didn't do anything. I don't want this to affect my life. He's been doing this the whole ride. I said I didn't do anything. He messed withy hands and just did it again. They are taking a relationship from me. He is affecting my underwear now. Home but upset this could happen. He was set out to do it. He is affecting me more and is threatening me about the future. His hands are mirrotmrong mine cuz he upset me about it once! I can't have this. He ruined my whole mood and independence. I don't wanna be stuck getting close to my parents.
Combining Problems
They are saying I can't meet someone to hurt me.
It might be cuz Hillary lost.
It might be cuz I accidentally thought of a bad word not realizing what I hadn't already, that it was unusual. It applied to other people in a situation that involved someone I look up to. It was a little complex. I didn't mean it.
It might be cuz Hillary lost.
It might be cuz I accidentally thought of a bad word not realizing what I hadn't already, that it was unusual. It applied to other people in a situation that involved someone I look up to. It was a little complex. I didn't mean it.
"This is the air I breathe.. Your holy presence.. living.. in me"
I feel like I'm Jesus Christ.
"And I am desperate for You
And I am lost without You"
What an oxymoron.
"And I am desperate for You
And I am lost without You"
What an oxymoron.
Do you all want to be spied on?
If they spy on someone I look up to, then what was about me never mattered if they do it like this. How incapable. I am not at some party, I see. I woke up and don't know where I found myself.
Instead, everyone is acting like they are talking to someone I look up to all the time. At least, it's not about their underwear. Go on The Ellen DeGeneres Show for that.
Instead, everyone is acting like they are talking to someone I look up to all the time. At least, it's not about their underwear. Go on The Ellen DeGeneres Show for that.
Emarrassing
So, I shouldn't comment to you about what is said on touchy subjects that mean what they mean?
So sorry! (I didn't go into actual detail.)
"Up for Grabs"
They came in weirdly and reminded me of getting ready to shoot with a gun.
They keep staring me down affectedly thinking "until it isn't it." They want me to think I am totally wiped out worthless. It's just cuz I thought of a bad word by accident in a situation and other reasons I'm unsure of. I didn't even think it in a bad way like they think.
This isn't fair. People keep attacking me.
I am upset I feel pressured to just go around feeling like I am shit and deserve nothing at all.
My face feels like it's dying, the life escaping.
They also keep saying there was one person I liked a lot of a little while and had no time to be mad during knowing and therefore am stuck with them alone. They just said someone I look up to wants their eyes crossed all the time. Pathetic. Why do they keep annoying me?
Why did they send me that message like that in the 1st place that made me think of a bad word to people annoying me? and seeming like I almost said it in a bad way, they think? Do I need to slow down in private thoughts cuz I think I already have?
They turn on so annoyingly about waiting for me to feel like I'm just worthless. The light goes on and mine goes off.
They keep staring me down affectedly thinking "until it isn't it." They want me to think I am totally wiped out worthless. It's just cuz I thought of a bad word by accident in a situation and other reasons I'm unsure of. I didn't even think it in a bad way like they think.
This isn't fair. People keep attacking me.
I am upset I feel pressured to just go around feeling like I am shit and deserve nothing at all.
My face feels like it's dying, the life escaping.
They also keep saying there was one person I liked a lot of a little while and had no time to be mad during knowing and therefore am stuck with them alone. They just said someone I look up to wants their eyes crossed all the time. Pathetic. Why do they keep annoying me?
Why did they send me that message like that in the 1st place that made me think of a bad word to people annoying me? and seeming like I almost said it in a bad way, they think? Do I need to slow down in private thoughts cuz I think I already have?
They turn on so annoyingly about waiting for me to feel like I'm just worthless. The light goes on and mine goes off.
Problem
They said I can't "have" a relationship because since meeting them or more when thinking about them I was upset and threw a water bottle on the floor several times when walking outside by some stores, tho I might not have wanted anyone to see.
They are making it like this is it, and it's miserable to be blamed for things.
They are making it like this is it, and it's miserable to be blamed for things.
On Relationships
Everyone hates me. Everyone knows about me, for some reason I never cared. They keep bugging about/to someone I look up to. I can't sleep. I woke up to turn off what I had on YouTube and turn on classical music. I don't know why, but I just noticed all the cars driving past are thinking of someone I look up to. They even said things like that I don't matter. I have my dad with his episodes thinking I don't matter, too, showing off.
People want this attention to get to the heads of people I look up to so they feel carefree of me tho they like me. It's like, the people keep bribing them that instead of thinking my reputation and life are important at all, that it's all for them and forget me cuz I'm bad tho I'm not. People just say I'm bad cuz my dad thinks that.
I feel like I've been stolen from. Here I am, just lying in bed catching a few more Z's since waking up. I can't relax. If I put on earplugs, I probably won't hear my alarm clock.
If you just popped out and said I don't matter, you're wrong. You've been at me tooth and nail and not trying to let me ever have an okay/good time in the end. You're just stimulating mature people like they're babies cuz I have a relationship with them secretly.
I was right. You carefree people. I said what if this attention affects people I know, and then I heard it did. I'd rather this not happen, then, for reasons like this and like I said how I can't relax this morning. I don't give a care if you think these people are inadequate and won't be nicer to me cuz I think they already are nice to me. They are just making that up so they can get a certain kind of message across to appease their guilt. These people were nice to me, but this is bothering me. The attention is not that good, and these people are rather freaks.
I just keep being made fun of. What did I do? Are people just racist? Where did that come from? I know my dad won't stop being mean to me. I don't get it. Why can't I live without him ruining my life?
Why am I not enjoying this supposed gift to people who are too nice to give me attention, in other people's opinions?
You know, it hurts when I hear the cars go by. It sorta wakes me up and lingers, like pressure in my head from people talking, like kids at school.
I don't want these people I look up to to be ruined. Doesn't anyone get it! What do you think I am? Some has-been. I never even said I had to have all this attention, but I don't want people messing around giving it to people I look up to like a big distraction in life.
How selfish these people are. This is quite low and dirty and like people are hearing something and they say they never knew it in a certain way and are mad at the chances in life they could have had. Like, they know my life is done good by me etc. and are going by jealous of how it's been trying to knock everything over that has to do with my happiness in their path as their point. They just freak out instead fixing their life.
So, I'm just innocent with people hurting me and telling me I am bad to be upset at their attacking me. I have some relationships I like a lot that I am not even close to, and people take it from me and try to stimulate them into not caring about me, like it's more stimulating for them that way. It seems to be happening in the whole world all the time! It could really stimulate them if they think about it, and I will have lost my chance. You are no more human than them. This makes me very sad, seeing those I like possibly lose it from all this attention all over the world 24/7, it seems.
People are really trying to make people in my life I like a lot go silly. It just keeps happening. They hate on me and are forward with me and want me in Hell. At some moment in the world, people are always doing this. Where goes the head now of people I look up to? Is there some way we can teach the people doing this to them a lesson? It could happen to anyone. I'm not some fool. I don't throw myself in a cage of lions just to see if I'll survive.
People think, "Okay, Christina got attention. Now, let's just give you attention cuz you need to go silly cuz you gave someone else love and attention, like family or someone you have care for. Oh, and it's only cuz it's Christina, but don't say that to her that I said that cuz I know it's wrong and I'm just cheating life if that's possible." The fact is my life is quite miserable in a lot of ways a lot of times. I said I just couldn't function with this. I can wait for the fun and to build myself up where others have teared me down. People think for eternity and all my life that it's untrue that I'm ever okay to feel okay or good when I want and need a wakeup call.
Why can't they just leave my relationships alone? I bet it's "too late!" They don't seem to have anything to say about this. A lotta people care and don't do this to hurt me.
I mean, in what these people do, they don't know how to do it right, how to give attention in a way that makes the world a better place.
I also dislike the discomfort I have of bumping into people as I walk around the house. Once I learn enough German, I should probably live in Germany and study/play violin. I was gonna move somewhere else in the US, New York state, Southeastern Florida.. Cleveland. I can't rest outside, and I can't rest inside. I hate when I have appointments. Like now, I have to be awake cuz my alarm won't wake me up in earplugs to block out hearing the noises of the cars going by. If I move away, I will be sad, but I hope our lives change for the better. I am tied down to liking my pastor, tho. I should at least study some in Germany. I don't know that I would move to Central Florida where I live now as an adult. I just came here to be with my parents. I wished to have a life of luxury like movie stars so I could get attention. I like playing music, tho, so I'm not sure if that's satisfying like that nor how it accomplishes more. It's a good thing to do. Also, however, the pace of Hollywood is like a caterpillar. I see people get interviewed from movies, and they just want to do the job and go. It's supposed to be fun. They don't commit. They are hypnotized to think no one is worth it but Tim Burton, but I haven't really, from the overrated hype, fell for thinking that. You know, a lotta likable people are not movie actors. What has this world come to? I'm not trash cuz I'm not a movie actor.
People keep thinking I'm not all that. How rude! It's not your business. They think it is and won't stop saying it thru telepathy. I wonder how they decided to say people I look up to are all that, like if they didn't they'd know they would not be free to talk about and stimulate them. They are liars saying I am uncool and trash, cuz they are rather inadequate in manners and stuff always going around like this.
I feel I need to accelerate to escape this kind of existence. Like, tomorrow I go to the movies and I shudder to think what if I go with my dad cuz he's probably still mad at me. I might just go on my own, but that's sad. Hairy situations like this. I just feel so bad and uncomfortable.
I feel I'm not good at any one thing. If I were, I'd be like everyone else. Why do famous people, like entertainers or movie stars, act like to feel good you have to do what they do? People in Hollywood ignore you essentially and I bet it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, the world can watch, but what's important? You could achieve as a ballerina or musician or singer etc. I'm actually looking at that. I took a long break, tho, so it's like I'm some hopeful. It wasn't exactly a deliberate break. I was interested in acting. I was trying to ready myself, but it was hard living uncomfortable with my family. It's been 10 years.
I am not even really sure how people get enough stimulation of a good kind, some of them, like these prestigious people who know me. I don't like how it's about taking relationships from me and hurting me otherwise in other ways, as well. No one seems to know what to do. They just go crazy trashing my relationships for cheap sex. If it was good, okay, but I mean hey you didn't let me feel as good as I wanted. This is suspicious. What do you think? It's important to me if it's not right and it's just to ruin it for me for good.
I would like an independent life in a way. I just still have the hopes of someone still in high school. They are legitimate. Also, I like my parents, and I live with them. I want to hold onto family or a career too, as opposed to living in a small apartment working at a factory, which I wouldn't mind. I want an education in playing a musical instrument rather than that. I feel like some has-been, but I know my mom still cares about me. I don't know what my dad cares about. Like, I'm as good as gone and dead from growing up with them. Like, "outta the house." So, it's hard not reaching your goals, even getting to "live at home." I just don't feel well socially. I don't know, it might be more pleasant living alone but scary at night.
So.. I guess I'll get on with my day, then. I pray that nothing bad happens. I'll just try to remember, remember to ignore things and not display an attitude in a really bad way etc.
Sorry, if I have said anything wrong.
People want this attention to get to the heads of people I look up to so they feel carefree of me tho they like me. It's like, the people keep bribing them that instead of thinking my reputation and life are important at all, that it's all for them and forget me cuz I'm bad tho I'm not. People just say I'm bad cuz my dad thinks that.
I feel like I've been stolen from. Here I am, just lying in bed catching a few more Z's since waking up. I can't relax. If I put on earplugs, I probably won't hear my alarm clock.
If you just popped out and said I don't matter, you're wrong. You've been at me tooth and nail and not trying to let me ever have an okay/good time in the end. You're just stimulating mature people like they're babies cuz I have a relationship with them secretly.
I was right. You carefree people. I said what if this attention affects people I know, and then I heard it did. I'd rather this not happen, then, for reasons like this and like I said how I can't relax this morning. I don't give a care if you think these people are inadequate and won't be nicer to me cuz I think they already are nice to me. They are just making that up so they can get a certain kind of message across to appease their guilt. These people were nice to me, but this is bothering me. The attention is not that good, and these people are rather freaks.
I just keep being made fun of. What did I do? Are people just racist? Where did that come from? I know my dad won't stop being mean to me. I don't get it. Why can't I live without him ruining my life?
Why am I not enjoying this supposed gift to people who are too nice to give me attention, in other people's opinions?
You know, it hurts when I hear the cars go by. It sorta wakes me up and lingers, like pressure in my head from people talking, like kids at school.
I don't want these people I look up to to be ruined. Doesn't anyone get it! What do you think I am? Some has-been. I never even said I had to have all this attention, but I don't want people messing around giving it to people I look up to like a big distraction in life.
How selfish these people are. This is quite low and dirty and like people are hearing something and they say they never knew it in a certain way and are mad at the chances in life they could have had. Like, they know my life is done good by me etc. and are going by jealous of how it's been trying to knock everything over that has to do with my happiness in their path as their point. They just freak out instead fixing their life.
So, I'm just innocent with people hurting me and telling me I am bad to be upset at their attacking me. I have some relationships I like a lot that I am not even close to, and people take it from me and try to stimulate them into not caring about me, like it's more stimulating for them that way. It seems to be happening in the whole world all the time! It could really stimulate them if they think about it, and I will have lost my chance. You are no more human than them. This makes me very sad, seeing those I like possibly lose it from all this attention all over the world 24/7, it seems.
People are really trying to make people in my life I like a lot go silly. It just keeps happening. They hate on me and are forward with me and want me in Hell. At some moment in the world, people are always doing this. Where goes the head now of people I look up to? Is there some way we can teach the people doing this to them a lesson? It could happen to anyone. I'm not some fool. I don't throw myself in a cage of lions just to see if I'll survive.
People think, "Okay, Christina got attention. Now, let's just give you attention cuz you need to go silly cuz you gave someone else love and attention, like family or someone you have care for. Oh, and it's only cuz it's Christina, but don't say that to her that I said that cuz I know it's wrong and I'm just cheating life if that's possible." The fact is my life is quite miserable in a lot of ways a lot of times. I said I just couldn't function with this. I can wait for the fun and to build myself up where others have teared me down. People think for eternity and all my life that it's untrue that I'm ever okay to feel okay or good when I want and need a wakeup call.
Why can't they just leave my relationships alone? I bet it's "too late!" They don't seem to have anything to say about this. A lotta people care and don't do this to hurt me.
I mean, in what these people do, they don't know how to do it right, how to give attention in a way that makes the world a better place.
I also dislike the discomfort I have of bumping into people as I walk around the house. Once I learn enough German, I should probably live in Germany and study/play violin. I was gonna move somewhere else in the US, New York state, Southeastern Florida.. Cleveland. I can't rest outside, and I can't rest inside. I hate when I have appointments. Like now, I have to be awake cuz my alarm won't wake me up in earplugs to block out hearing the noises of the cars going by. If I move away, I will be sad, but I hope our lives change for the better. I am tied down to liking my pastor, tho. I should at least study some in Germany. I don't know that I would move to Central Florida where I live now as an adult. I just came here to be with my parents. I wished to have a life of luxury like movie stars so I could get attention. I like playing music, tho, so I'm not sure if that's satisfying like that nor how it accomplishes more. It's a good thing to do. Also, however, the pace of Hollywood is like a caterpillar. I see people get interviewed from movies, and they just want to do the job and go. It's supposed to be fun. They don't commit. They are hypnotized to think no one is worth it but Tim Burton, but I haven't really, from the overrated hype, fell for thinking that. You know, a lotta likable people are not movie actors. What has this world come to? I'm not trash cuz I'm not a movie actor.
People keep thinking I'm not all that. How rude! It's not your business. They think it is and won't stop saying it thru telepathy. I wonder how they decided to say people I look up to are all that, like if they didn't they'd know they would not be free to talk about and stimulate them. They are liars saying I am uncool and trash, cuz they are rather inadequate in manners and stuff always going around like this.
I feel I need to accelerate to escape this kind of existence. Like, tomorrow I go to the movies and I shudder to think what if I go with my dad cuz he's probably still mad at me. I might just go on my own, but that's sad. Hairy situations like this. I just feel so bad and uncomfortable.
I feel I'm not good at any one thing. If I were, I'd be like everyone else. Why do famous people, like entertainers or movie stars, act like to feel good you have to do what they do? People in Hollywood ignore you essentially and I bet it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, the world can watch, but what's important? You could achieve as a ballerina or musician or singer etc. I'm actually looking at that. I took a long break, tho, so it's like I'm some hopeful. It wasn't exactly a deliberate break. I was interested in acting. I was trying to ready myself, but it was hard living uncomfortable with my family. It's been 10 years.
I am not even really sure how people get enough stimulation of a good kind, some of them, like these prestigious people who know me. I don't like how it's about taking relationships from me and hurting me otherwise in other ways, as well. No one seems to know what to do. They just go crazy trashing my relationships for cheap sex. If it was good, okay, but I mean hey you didn't let me feel as good as I wanted. This is suspicious. What do you think? It's important to me if it's not right and it's just to ruin it for me for good.
I would like an independent life in a way. I just still have the hopes of someone still in high school. They are legitimate. Also, I like my parents, and I live with them. I want to hold onto family or a career too, as opposed to living in a small apartment working at a factory, which I wouldn't mind. I want an education in playing a musical instrument rather than that. I feel like some has-been, but I know my mom still cares about me. I don't know what my dad cares about. Like, I'm as good as gone and dead from growing up with them. Like, "outta the house." So, it's hard not reaching your goals, even getting to "live at home." I just don't feel well socially. I don't know, it might be more pleasant living alone but scary at night.
So.. I guess I'll get on with my day, then. I pray that nothing bad happens. I'll just try to remember, remember to ignore things and not display an attitude in a really bad way etc.
Sorry, if I have said anything wrong.
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