Everyone hates me. Everyone knows about me, for some reason I never cared. They keep bugging about/to someone I look up to. I can't sleep. I woke up to turn off what I had on YouTube and turn on classical music. I don't know why, but I just noticed all the cars driving past are thinking of someone I look up to. They even said things like that I don't matter. I have my dad with his episodes thinking I don't matter, too, showing off.
People want this attention to get to the heads of people I look up to so they feel carefree of me tho they like me. It's like, the people keep bribing them that instead of thinking my reputation and life are important at all, that it's all for them and forget me cuz I'm bad tho I'm not. People just say I'm bad cuz my dad thinks that.
I feel like I've been stolen from. Here I am, just lying in bed catching a few more Z's since waking up. I can't relax. If I put on earplugs, I probably won't hear my alarm clock.
If you just popped out and said I don't matter, you're wrong. You've been at me tooth and nail and not trying to let me ever have an okay/good time in the end. You're just stimulating mature people like they're babies cuz I have a relationship with them secretly.
I was right. You carefree people. I said what if this attention affects people I know, and then I heard it did. I'd rather this not happen, then, for reasons like this and like I said how I can't relax this morning. I don't give a care if you think these people are inadequate and won't be nicer to me cuz I think they already are nice to me. They are just making that up so they can get a certain kind of message across to appease their guilt. These people were nice to me, but this is bothering me. The attention is not that good, and these people are rather freaks.
I just keep being made fun of. What did I do? Are people just racist? Where did that come from? I know my dad won't stop being mean to me. I don't get it. Why can't I live without him ruining my life?
Why am I not enjoying this supposed gift to people who are too nice to give me attention, in other people's opinions?
You know, it hurts when I hear the cars go by. It sorta wakes me up and lingers, like pressure in my head from people talking, like kids at school.
I don't want these people I look up to to be ruined. Doesn't anyone get it! What do you think I am? Some has-been. I never even said I had to have all this attention, but I don't want people messing around giving it to people I look up to like a big distraction in life.
How selfish these people are. This is quite low and dirty and like people are hearing something and they say they never knew it in a certain way and are mad at the chances in life they could have had. Like, they know my life is done good by me etc. and are going by jealous of how it's been trying to knock everything over that has to do with my happiness in their path as their point. They just freak out instead fixing their life.
So, I'm just innocent with people hurting me and telling me I am bad to be upset at their attacking me. I have some relationships I like a lot that I am not even close to, and people take it from me and try to stimulate them into not caring about me, like it's more stimulating for them that way. It seems to be happening in the whole world all the time! It could really stimulate them if they think about it, and I will have lost my chance. You are no more human than them. This makes me very sad, seeing those I like possibly lose it from all this attention all over the world 24/7, it seems.
People are really trying to make people in my life I like a lot go silly. It just keeps happening. They hate on me and are forward with me and want me in Hell. At some moment in the world, people are always doing this. Where goes the head now of people I look up to? Is there some way we can teach the people doing this to them a lesson? It could happen to anyone. I'm not some fool. I don't throw myself in a cage of lions just to see if I'll survive.
People think, "Okay, Christina got attention. Now, let's just give you attention cuz you need to go silly cuz you gave someone else love and attention, like family or someone you have care for. Oh, and it's only cuz it's Christina, but don't say that to her that I said that cuz I know it's wrong and I'm just cheating life if that's possible." The fact is my life is quite miserable in a lot of ways a lot of times. I said I just couldn't function with this. I can wait for the fun and to build myself up where others have teared me down. People think for eternity and all my life that it's untrue that I'm ever okay to feel okay or good when I want and need a wakeup call.
Why can't they just leave my relationships alone? I bet it's "too late!" They don't seem to have anything to say about this. A lotta people care and don't do this to hurt me.
I mean, in what these people do, they don't know how to do it right, how to give attention in a way that makes the world a better place.
I also dislike the discomfort I have of bumping into people as I walk around the house. Once I learn enough German, I should probably live in Germany and study/play violin. I was gonna move somewhere else in the US, New York state, Southeastern Florida.. Cleveland. I can't rest outside, and I can't rest inside. I hate when I have appointments. Like now, I have to be awake cuz my alarm won't wake me up in earplugs to block out hearing the noises of the cars going by. If I move away, I will be sad, but I hope our lives change for the better. I am tied down to liking my pastor, tho. I should at least study some in Germany. I don't know that I would move to Central Florida where I live now as an adult. I just came here to be with my parents. I wished to have a life of luxury like movie stars so I could get attention. I like playing music, tho, so I'm not sure if that's satisfying like that nor how it accomplishes more. It's a good thing to do. Also, however, the pace of Hollywood is like a caterpillar. I see people get interviewed from movies, and they just want to do the job and go. It's supposed to be fun. They don't commit. They are hypnotized to think no one is worth it but Tim Burton, but I haven't really, from the overrated hype, fell for thinking that. You know, a lotta likable people are not movie actors. What has this world come to? I'm not trash cuz I'm not a movie actor.
People keep thinking I'm not all that. How rude! It's not your business. They think it is and won't stop saying it thru telepathy. I wonder how they decided to say people I look up to are all that, like if they didn't they'd know they would not be free to talk about and stimulate them. They are liars saying I am uncool and trash, cuz they are rather inadequate in manners and stuff always going around like this.
I feel I need to accelerate to escape this kind of existence. Like, tomorrow I go to the movies and I shudder to think what if I go with my dad cuz he's probably still mad at me. I might just go on my own, but that's sad. Hairy situations like this. I just feel so bad and uncomfortable.
I feel I'm not good at any one thing. If I were, I'd be like everyone else. Why do famous people, like entertainers or movie stars, act like to feel good you have to do what they do? People in Hollywood ignore you essentially and I bet it's not all it's cracked up to be. Sure, the world can watch, but what's important? You could achieve as a ballerina or musician or singer etc. I'm actually looking at that. I took a long break, tho, so it's like I'm some hopeful. It wasn't exactly a deliberate break. I was interested in acting. I was trying to ready myself, but it was hard living uncomfortable with my family. It's been 10 years.
I am not even really sure how people get enough stimulation of a good kind, some of them, like these prestigious people who know me. I don't like how it's about taking relationships from me and hurting me otherwise in other ways, as well. No one seems to know what to do. They just go crazy trashing my relationships for cheap sex. If it was good, okay, but I mean hey you didn't let me feel as good as I wanted. This is suspicious. What do you think? It's important to me if it's not right and it's just to ruin it for me for good.
I would like an independent life in a way. I just still have the hopes of someone still in high school. They are legitimate. Also, I like my parents, and I live with them. I want to hold onto family or a career too, as opposed to living in a small apartment working at a factory, which I wouldn't mind. I want an education in playing a musical instrument rather than that. I feel like some has-been, but I know my mom still cares about me. I don't know what my dad cares about. Like, I'm as good as gone and dead from growing up with them. Like, "outta the house." So, it's hard not reaching your goals, even getting to "live at home." I just don't feel well socially. I don't know, it might be more pleasant living alone but scary at night.
So.. I guess I'll get on with my day, then. I pray that nothing bad happens. I'll just try to remember, remember to ignore things and not display an attitude in a really bad way etc.
Sorry, if I have said anything wrong.