I got really upset about someone inconveniencing me and because of the experiment thinking out things I already knew.
I can't take this. It's like I'm stuck with certain people in certain ways.
And I'm not okay. Didn't I say that last night? No help? So this?
So, I'm saying I'm not okay. I don't think I can get back what I lost, whatever that is.. maybe, I have to just accept it but say sorry to mend. I don't know, I don't feel deserving. Why can't I get alone sometimes? Then, I wouldn't have felt so guilty.
My grandma keeps pulling at me in weird ways. I miss my old grandma, but some things are better for her now. It used to be we visited my aunt separately and my grandma was up north. This is so sad! I didn't attack at her, but I did not remember/know to be friendly enough, like when I didn't say anything to her maybe when she came out with others. She was quite upset. Unfortunately, she reminds me of dark, fat boys who won't leave me alone, even a lotta African Americans as tho they really like me but do maybe just for my race. My grandma is very cool, but she has to be like my dad who surrounds my life in bad ways and bother me now. It's not the grandma I'm used to.
So, I feel in limbo, like I think one thing and then another, in certain ways..
I wish I had real friends.
I had friends. I wonder if I'd be happy if I had them, again. My 2 friends may not converse much, but they are on speaking terms, maybe cuz they both have more Northern European blood partly. 1 has 5% the other 50% something a little warmer. + they are from the New England area and moved down to Florida around the same time.
I have earplugs on, but downstairs I hear noises and I bet they're feeling upset concerning me. So sad.
So, I go home today, wonder how the car ride will be. I have music I can listen to. I better rest and pack soon.
I can't bring myself to say sorry it'll be fine, tho. I really need to just make myself more appropriate.